


It's Not You, I Just Fucking Hate Myself

by TN_Night



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, tw-self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4025008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TN_Night/pseuds/TN_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is a self-harmer and Levi tries to comfort him.</p><p>A short drabble I wrote to get it out of my head. TW for self harm and self hatred.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not You, I Just Fucking Hate Myself

 

 

My heart pounded heavily as I rushed through our bedroom and into the adjoining bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. I rummaged through cabinets and drawers until I found what I'd hidden from myself when I was less panicked than I am now.

 

The small silver blade shone in my hand when I flipped it between two fingers, tears falling quickly from my eyes blurred my vision and the liquid produced fell onto the piece of metal being held. I ignored the thought of cleaning the blade for the more favourable option of rolling up my left sleeve and pressing it firmly into my wrist, dragging it along and sighing shakily at the burst of sharp pain and blood that bubbled up quickly from the light pink flesh of the laceration.

 

All of the thoughts lingering in the back of my brain dissipated, even if only for a little while, while I focused on the sting from the open wound. Moving quickly I brought the blade back up to my arm, making several more cuts across the already marred flesh. The skin on my arm already had resembled a web of sorts– scars ranging from colours white to deep red with varying shades of pink in between. 

 

Though I've tried to stop this twice before now, I know that I won't be able to; it's so much harder to quit something when you have no progress to build off of, and considering how often I do this to myself, I can assure that there's not even a week of built up resistance. Habits like self harm are extremely hard to break when all you can do is try to laugh it off while the black hole of depression sinks in and consumes your mind, ultimately taking control of you until you can only find solace in pain.

 

After a multitude of cuts and a plethora of blood dripping down my arm onto the white floor, I finally drop the blade, hearing a soft clatter when it hit the ceramic tilling.

 

Noticing it now, as I've noticed it before, it takes very little for me to get worked up. It could be an offhanded comment from a friend, a mere poke or jest to get my mind working into overdrive. This time was no exception to that constraint, a simple question from my boyfriend and I was speeding off down the hall like some petulant child, crying and trying to hide the fact in my sleeve. 

 

A soft knock on the door makes me turn my attention from the ground, which had seemed very interesting for the past few minutes, over to the entrance of the small room, which I'd kept locked during my breakdown.

 

"Eren?" Levi said quietly, as if trying not to scare me in-case I wasn't calm yet.

 

"Yeah?" I answered after a few seconds of silence, my voice slightly gravelly from crying.

 

"Can you open the door…please?"

 

I stood still for a while after the question was asked, my arm still held in one hand soaking blood through the shirt sleeve that'd decided to roll itself down a few minutes before.

 

"Eren?" He tried again, worry and sadness lacing his words from knowing he'd made me like this. 

 

 _Thinking_ he'd made me like this.

 

I carefully walked over to the only thing separating me and him, unlocking it and turning the handle slowly and near silently while also pulling on it. Opening the door, I silently granted him access as I turned my back to him and walked over to the bathtub, perching myself onto the edge of it and putting my face in my hands. Simply and purely ashamed of what I've become– what I've made myself. 

 

I fucking hate myself. 

 

Yet despite what I think, he still paced over to me with seemingly precise steps, mindful not to step on the blade or to get his white socks dirty with the crimson fluid that once coursed through my body and now lay in a small puddle on the floor. He still sat down next to me and pulled my head onto his shoulder, gently petting my messed up brown hair and shushing the sobs that had begun again. Despite what was on my arm he still held me close and told me that even if I didn't love myself, he would always be there with enough love for the both of us. He still told me everything would be okay, and that he would do anything to help me. 

 

If there was one thing that I could never forgive myself for, it was making Levi fall in love with me. The one thing I didn't deserve most, was right here with me, trying to care for me and help me through my own bullshit. 

 

Even if he appreciated my company, there would always be that lingering thought in the back of my head, the thought that he _can_ and _will_ find someone _so much better than me._

 

And even though the thought had my crying harder into his neck, it still calmed me. I may not be able to be happy, but the man beside me will surely find himself another person to care for after me, and he will surely be better off with them than he would've with me. 

 

_I hope someone else can make you happier than I ever will._

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to love yourselves, guys; because even if you feel like you can't, you should know you deserve it. 
> 
> I'm sorry for the not-so-happy fic instead of something fluffy, it happens sometimes. I might write a second part to this but it probably won't happen, I kind of like the not very happy ending. After all, not all endings are happy. That being said, this isn't exactly the end of Levi and Eren's story here. If the story were to continue in your mind you could definitely see it working out better in certain scenarios. Happy endings are realistic too, and they're also common. Let me know if you liked it, and thank you for reading ^^ Beta'd by the lovely aelmer6 on ff.net.


End file.
